Seven years ago, after over fifty years of trying to get along with my family, I sent an email to my five siblings telling them that I no longer wanted contact and (sincerely) wished them happy lives. Although I did not include my mother (my father had died of cancer years before) in the email, I never heard from her or my siblings after that.
The years rolled by, and I lived my life without them. I have a husband, two grown children, even grandchildren and a few dear friends, so it wasn't as though I was alone. Only those closest to me knew that I was estranged from my mother and siblings. Most people who know me saw a happy person with a full life, but I felt ashamed of not having contact with my aging mother. There are so many emotions associated with being the one who is estranged from the rest: Shame, as I mentioned, anger, confusion, sadness, frustration, loss, grief, helplessness, disconnectedness, guilt....the list goes on.
When people would ask me how my mother was doing, I would try to say something vague so as not to actually lie: "Last I spoke with her she was doing well...." I didn't want to burden acquaintances with my family issues, and worse I was embarrassed. Truth be told, before I was estranged, had anyone confided in me that they were estranged from their entire family, I would have thought: "Something is not right with this person since the rest of them seem to get along well together." Maybe there was/is something wrong with me.
Over time my feelings of guilt over loss of contact with my mother did not fade. I would tell myself that she's got five other children so she certainly doesn't need me, that she probably didn't even notice someone missing most of the time with so many kids and grandkids around, that it was easier for my mother not to have to deal with one child who is estranged from the others, that I didn't want to complicate her life. Maybe I was telling myself these things, though, to justify inaction. A few times I saw my mother trimming her roses or walking her dog in the front yard of my childhood home as I'd drive by. A few of those times my hand went up automatically to wave, after all my eyes saw my mother, but she didn't see me.
Finally in May 2018, noticing all the Mother's Day cards out in the stores, I started reading through them. On almost a whim I bought a card and wrote on it: "If you ever need me for anything, I am here! (and included my phone number). I mailed the card off on the Monday before Mother's Day thinking that my mother probably didn't need me for anything, but at least the offer would stand going forward. Then while I was on the phone with a friend on that Wednesday afternoon I heard another call coming in. When I looked down I saw my old, childhood phone number.....my mother was calling me! After making excuses and ending the other call, there was my mother on the line! She told me she missed me and loved me, that she had a hole in her heart because of our estrangement, that she was so happy that I had sent the card! I told her I hadn't meant to include her in my divorce from my siblings.
It has now been nine months, and I have visited with my mother twice, spoken with her on the phone several times, written emails and texts, sent Christmas and birthday presents back and forth. I feel normal, almost free in my ability to casually throw it out there, like other people do, that I had lunch with my mother or that my mother gave me a lovely silver dish for my birthday. I don't have to avoid the subject and deflect questions anymore. Things feel the same between my mother and me as they were before the estrangement when we are together or on the phone. We laugh and say the same old things and tell the same old stories. I try hard to just accept her where she is and remember that I sent her the Mother's Day card to tell her that I am here if she needs me. I don't necessarily want to put my needs into it. It's enough for me to have my mother back in my life.