When I agreed to marry my husband of 34 years, my parents informed me that it was him or my family, including aunts, uncles, and cousins. Their expectation had always been that I would get the education of their choice, regardless of whether it interested me, and a high paying job, and would remain with them to care for them in their old age.
I chose my husband, and with that choice, gave up my entire family, with the exception of one aunt who refused to bow to their pressure. My husband was a military officer, so we moved frequently and far away. I maintained some contact, even though my efforts were not returned for many years. They got small gifts on special occasions, post cards with changes of address, the occasional note so they would have contact information and know that the door was still open.
When my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I was informed, and though not allowed to see him, I was given permission to call. My father's last words to me were heartbreakingly cruel, but Mom thawed enough to allow me to go to my father's funeral. About a year later, my mother's first grandchild was born, and she wanted to meet the baby.
I continued to reach out, sending baby pictures and silly stories. The child really helped to turn things around. The baby was a challenge, crying a lot, sleeping rarely, and that gave Mom an opening she could accept to offer whatever advice and support she was able. Still, I had to accept whatever hurtful things she wanted to say without responding in kind, and apologize regularly for all the pain I had caused her, without any acknowledgement of how she had hurt me.
Things did get better, though not perfect, between us when Mom fell and broke a hip. By this point, my husband had left the military, and we were living at a distance from each of our parents that offered the opportunity to visit fairly conveniently, but did not leave the possibility of unplanned drop-in visits, which we felt was necessary to our sanity. When Mom was able to leave her rehab facility, my sibling declared Mom an unwanted burden and cut off all contact.
I made sure, at my own expense, that Mom had a freezer full of homemade tv dinners that I knew she would enjoy, a refrigerator full of her favorite snacks, and whatever help she needed to remain in her home. I have continued to do so for the ten years since. Proving that I would be there for her when she needed me helped. Her simply becoming so dependent and having no choice but to try to get along helped. Falling in love with her grandchild, and realizing that I married a great guy who would also be there for her in her times of need helped. But mostly, it was patience and humility and self control in the face of all the hurtfulness that kept the door open to reconciliation and allowed the rift to heal, for the most part.